There I am lying. Sinking, sinking, sinking. I let go of where I was still holding on to the everyday way of doing things, to the usual. Through the zones of distraction, where normal things simply do me good, it flatters me to let go of my thoughts for a moment. Being ill has its advantages – it simply switches off the rest and then there is just my body and me. My breath and me. Me and myself. Still my bed, occasionally a loved one I talk to, but not even the sun tempts me out anymore. I sink. And love it.

Curiosity peeks into this state. What is here? What is my body doing there? What is my soul building here to take me into these realms? Whenever I am ‘switched off’ in this way, this listening happens, behind the language of ‘illness’ – into the space where this is given to me. Where I am allowed to flow into something that I would otherwise not allow myself. Peace. Silence. Not being reachable. Depth without reason, without order.

Silence. I feel whales around me. Their watchful presence, welcoming me. But I must not “listen extra” – then the field retreats. What I am immersed in right now is beyond my direct view. My hand resting on my heart and the other on my stomach, bare skin, direct contact. Love.

The thoughts of “what I have to do” are also gone, I’ve done everything so far so that I can just be like this these days. No pressure. No worries. No fears. No hardships. Just me in this sinking. Stop making an effort.

Ping…

A soft little bell rings. So gentle, delicate and subtle that I could even miss it. A resonance in my womb… from which the ringing comes. And then it streams into my consciousness in fine waves… not new and yet overwhelming in a new way: how hard I am trying. How hard I have tried.

I haven’t been walking this path since yesterday, I have encountered so many places like this – and yet it is always almost shockingly new when another level of letting go opens up. And it becomes clear how much is still holding on, has held on. In ideas, assumptions and caution.

Life flows so softly and kindly towards me here at this point and invites me to a look in a way that I have never had before, never without still feeling a resistance within me… It invites me to feel that I can trust completely. That I can trust my desire. My system. Life. My heart, my womb, ME. And that I REALLY only have to make the movements that are really right. That come from joy. That come easily. That offer themselves, open up. And that I LIVE on this path. Get what I need. Not because I do it, plan it or control it, but because it is life’s desire to nourish me, to give me what I need to be me. That’s how it built me, that’s how it wants me, that’s how it gives me life, that’s how it created me.

A silent approach to each other anew. It feels exactly like the movements of my womb, which I also had to learn to listen to. It’s not just about sexual spaces – it’s about the whole of life. And the willingness and acceptance to trust my womb – its yes, its nos, its closedness, its opening and its invitation. Such a fine instrument… which has so much more depth to it than I knew. And has so much more to do with my path than I ever suspected. I almost feel a bit stupid for not having recognized this before.

And right now I can only see it because I was allowed to get to know the same wisdom in the man. The fine guidance from the lap of the man. The intelligence in the wisdom of the being behind it. It’s not just in us women, it’s also in men. It’s just a different level of intelligence, of leadership… Oh my gosh, I didn’t know.

And now it’s here. And it shows me where I can stop working according to the old rules. They just don’t fit here anymore. And no harshness comes and wants to take something away, it is rather this infinite softness that takes the old from the steering wheel with gentle hands.

I don’t know what comes next. But I know I’m in good hands.

I trust.

Grateful.
Joyful.
Loving.

(translated with the help of www.deepl.com)