MY HEART WRAPS ITSELF IN A CLOAK

20.11.2024
|

MY HEART WRAPS ITSELF IN A CLOAK

… Aline has just said this to me, sensing where I am right now. Since the morning walk to the horse, the tears have just been running out of me and I feel a sense of relief because this underlying sadness is finally flowing. And I feel myself stopping, taking myself in my arms, putting aside my plans for the morning and being there for myself.

I can’t go on like this. I stand before God, before heaven, before all that is sacred to me, and sincerely come forward and say to myself: I can’t go on like this.

I am strong, yes, and I am moving on, I know that. I trust myself and life, yes, but I have needs that have simply been resonating within me for so long and are simply not being fulfilled. I have consistently gone my way, always as best I could – and it’s not enough. It’s not enough to connect the worlds that I feel inside me. Even though I feel and know that they are actually one – something just doesn’t come together in me that is either possible (or seems to be) or doesn’t matter to others. But inside me… is this immense longing and I just can’t find a life or an expression that really reflects it. I just can’t find it.

“You have to give. Give from your abundance, then life will answer you and it will flow back to you”.

Yes, I know that’s true. And I can feel that I’m not there all the time. I know the space when it is there, I know the feeling of simply giving out of myself, the joy and also the pleasure in it. But I also know that the flow simply dries up again without any change on my part. Several times.

I also realized that it took me an infinitely long time to get to the place where “I” am really me, where I am in my essence. Where I no longer try to conform to learned images, just as I no longer try to make a separation from the world out of my arrogance. I have explored, recognized and let go of both – the adapting and the overcoming. I can’t guarantee that there are no traces of it left, but the basic traits have been resolved, I am no longer that.

Along the way, I have gained insight – especially into the deep layers of trauma that I am dealing with here. This goes far back into history and also very concretely in this life: I don’t know the feeling of being secure on this earth. That is one of my permafrost trauma layers: The incredibly deep-seated experience that I am not secure here and that even my being secure in God does not help me on the earthly plane. I don’t know how to feel secure on an earthly level – I mean really deep down, in the primal ground of my being, in my cells. And I am in contact with that: With the parts that are in a panic, that don’t feel safe here, that long for security.

It feels like I have levels of safe ground in both the earthly and the divine, but something just doesn’t come together, doesn’t want to connect. It always feels like a wall, or now more like repelling magnets. There’s a rupture that I’m trying to close and right now, at this moment… the feeling of “I can’t go on” and “I can’t do it. I’m letting go.”

The part that keeps saying: “You still have to get better” in all possible facets also comes by briefly. I still have to do this and that and sell so that it can finally happen: For the world, the people and I to come together. For it to unite, to become a flow. In my professional life, my expression in the world, I would have to… do better marketing, make a clearer offer, or find a job or… what I do is always not enough. Always the feeling of not being good enough.

But actually… I don’t feel like that, not anymore. I work continuously and do my best. I see my weaknesses and address them. I even manage to feel comfortable in visibility in the meantime. I deal with my old burdens. I have recovered from several defeats and quagmires and am still moving forward. There is an incessant little animal that always runs and will always run because it knows where it wants to go.

That makes me feel strange… because as long as I still had mistrust towards myself (the feeling that I wasn’t doing it right) or towards the world (which simply didn’t want what I had to offer), I could still think that it was because something still had to be overcome… with the everlasting hope that “it would work out at some point”. But it’s been like that for 20 years now… I go on and on and on: It doesn’t “work”. The world and I don’t seem to come together in a way that works for both of us.

I have to pause for a moment. Because I feel that something is really new: I really no longer feel that side that condemned either me or the world for it “not working out”. Instead, I just stand there and realize: it’s not working. And: I don’t know why.

I honestly don’t know why.

I don’t know. But it’s like this: Something just isn’t coming together here. That’s how it honestly looks.

Breathe.

God, that’s good!

Redemption is taking place here.

Some people appear in front of me who I experience as “successful” in the sense that I would also like to have that. Colleagues, friends who do similar work and have full practices – and on the other hand seek advice from me, take me as a role model for something they are looking for in themselves… (what a joke!). Yes, that’s me… but they have full practices and I don’t. And I can just leave it at that without this nagging question of “why can they do it and I can’t?”.

Then the people who are role models for me and who I feel are successful, but who also live in spaces that I don’t have access to. Not only on a professional level, but also those with children and family who feel “healthy”. As if they are settled in their lives – with great success, grounding and stability, with a clear “this is me” and clear responsibilities and relationships. I can envy that… but it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t have that. Or rather, my form is different, but it feels different.

I have my own family (yes, even families…), but the form of the bond is different from that of blood relations and we don’t share everyday life. I have work, but again, the form is different from what most people call work (what you do to earn money). That is also somehow different for me.

And then… I really stop and listen to ME. More broadly and comprehensively, taking in everything that life reflects to me as: I am that too. And what I see and feel is a being, a person, who ticks differently in some ways and expresses himself differently to those around him.

What if it’s exactly right? (Hihi… I have to grin – how often do I ask my clients this question!) What if it really is exactly right and it is precisely this pressure that life creates in me that produces what I want to bring into the world?

Because I hold the strands: I hold in love the connection to my being, my values, my truth on the one hand as well as my connection to the world, the laws of this reality and my love for the earth, people and all beings. All of this is sacred, all of this is one. And I know that there is also a connection in the depths, where I feel at home, that can take shape here. I know that there is a way where I no longer have to split or divide myself in order to be both me and part of this world. I know that this can come together.

I live that. This is my work. Mostly (still ;-)) without pay. In essence, not even with the desire for payment, because it is not tied to it. Only with the clarity that the worlds are only connected when I am me AND when I feel safe and secure in this earthly world.

Another image comes to mind, I think of Jesus. With his story, he somehow exemplifies the division that I also feel within myself – and that we (I’ll say it now…) also carry collectively. Because through his life and, above all, his end, he also expresses that “if I go and live for my truth of unity with God, then I will be killed by those who see it differently”. We have this deep in our cells… the cross, the witch burnings, the persecution of those who think differently.

I think it’s time for an update on this story!

I feel this as deeply true in my cells… it is time to live a new reality than that of landing on the cross. It’s time for unity with God to BECOME FRUITFUL in human existence. That it makes us flourish. That it is joyful. That it is alive and attractive. That it is IRDICALLY BORN. I feel that in me. That is what my being seeks. On the way there, my little horse stretches his nose into the wind.

BEING HUMAN IN GOD,
WHERE THE STRUGGLE ENDS
AND OUR BEING ON EARTH FLOURISHES.

PEACE.

WORLDWIDE.

That’s what I dream of.

That’s what I live for.

Maybe it will take a few more interesting twists and turns, but I feel true in it. I feel completely contained in it, no longer “above” but also no longer “below”, but simply THERE. As the person I am.

And, to say that too:

It’s also time to stop running alone. I call the others to me, who are also so “crazy” to thaw out life in the icy areas and to walk, stumble, gallop, where it smells of the grass, which tastes so really, really delicious…