07.01.2025
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ENCOUNTERING THE HIDDEN

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A sigh of relief.
Silence.

No action takes effect here, nothing of what I know.
And in the silence I sink and very slowly a thought arises:

„Let’s create something out of it. Let’s turn it into art.“

I have to think of a friend who transforms his inner abysses into very impressive oil paintings – otherwise a kind-hearted, fine person, but these paintings: so blatant, perverse! And I think of Jon Batiste and Suleika Jaouad – who, as a couple, pour the brutality of life into their presence, into their art. And I also see myself, as I have done in so many places… you’ve already read one or two of them here.

And now I sit there and this thought sinks into my inner silence. I can feel, almost hear, how it “clicks” – and something snaps into place and touches this side of me. Like a veil, the layer that previously separated me, is lifted and I can see the full extent of what is actually screaming. I’ve known this for a long time, of course, but now: I allow it to happen completely. THIS is it. And THAT needs expression. Not all the layers on top… They are also important, yes, but THIS needs to be touched, moved, lived so that this screaming can finally find peace.

Writing about it here is interesting, because what I see is exactly what I can NOT put on Facebook, what can NOT go public (at least not yet). What is only there in me and my immediate environment, but that’s not enough. And I keep asking myself: How can this find the RIGHT space? How can it serve? How can it really heal and contribute to the healing of others? Because THAT is what it’s about, not all the things on the surface.

Now I have spent a lot of time and attention over the past year finding my way from the depths to precisely this “surface” – to others, to the world, to the “out there”. And that’s great, I’m super happy about it. Because now there IS connection, there is contact. And there is touch and effectiveness.

And that is exactly what laid the groundwork for what is now coming forward and calling me. It wants to live. It’s time to turn to it again.

So I start writing this morning. I write the hidden, I write my darkness…. start with it. Pull out old diaries, pick up the thread. Almost 22 years of my story. I’ve started and I don’t know how big and what it will become. But it’s important that I write this.

And since then, my little one – who was screaming so much before – has been sitting next to me, beaming and happy. Bliss. At last… At last she is being looked at seriously, not just worried or therapeutically. At last it’s all about her. Finally, her story is being written.

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I am writing this here – not to make you curious about what it is, there in my darkness. But rather to invite you, should you feel something inside you calling, screaming, raging over and over again, and you just can’t get it touched, want to finally get rid of it, are annoyed to death by it or have resigned yourself at some point…

Dare to do it.

Dare to meet yourself there. Dare to endure what you see and are there. Trust your darkness and your love to find your path to healing.
Because there always is a path. And sometimes it takes years, decades, centuries and millennia before the loose ends can finally be closed and peace and tranquillity can be found.
Because these pages need us, need our hearts and our love to be big enough to meet them…

HOW THEY ARE.

I deeply believe that this is what we are actually here for.
To open the threads and close them again.
That is life, pulse, rhythm – between darkness and light, in darkness and light.

Welcome to life.

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